Models by Mark Manson: Summary and Lessons

models mark manson“You cannot be a powerful and life-changing presence to some people without being a joke or an embarrassment to others.”

Rating: 9/10

Related: The Game, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Everything Is Fucked

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Models Short Summary

Models by Mark Manson is the best book I’ve read about finding a romantic-sexual partner. You learn the behaviors that will form that emotional foundation needed to improve your odds as a man dating women, improve your dating skills, and attract the perfect partner.

Lessons

First, you need to learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality,

Seduction is an interplay of emotions. Your movement or lack of movement reflects and alters emotions, not the words. Words are the side-effect. Sex is the side-effect.

The game is emotions, emotions through movement.

What Attracts Women

The one universal quality in men that all women find desirable is social status and resources. They want men who are more successful, popular, and powerful than they are.

Women distinguish social status by judging behavior.

But you don’t have to actually be rich and famous. Studies show that women are equally attracted to men that they believe have the potential to be extremely successful as they do for men who are already successful.

“Social status is determined by how you behave around other people, how other people behave around you, and how you treat yourself.”

There are three tenants of being a high status and highly attractive man:

  1. Treat others well
  2. Be treated well by other
  3. Treat yourself well

The other common denominator of female attraction has more to do with arousal and sexual desire. It’s the desire to be desired.

Women become more aroused the more physical assertiveness you pursue them with. Your bold and aggressive pursuit often turns her on to the point she comes around and wants to get to know you.

Status but itself attracts women in a way that they want to be your girlfriend. But being physically assertive and sexually forthright triggers a woman’s sexual arousal and makes her want to have sex.

Emotional Neediness

How attractive a man is is inversely proportional to how needy he is. The needier in his life the less attractive, and vice-versa.

Neediness: being more invested in other people’s perceptions of you than your perception of yourself.

Women are generally only attracted to men who are less invested in them than they are in themselves.

As a man, you should only be willing to sacrifice your thoughts/ feelings/motivations for a woman less than she is willing to do the same for you.

Ideally, two emotionally healthy individuals will begin a relationship with both low investments in one another and they will steadily let them grow as the relationship grows. In a healthy relationship, the gap between investment between the two parties would never grow too far apart and the man would never become more invested than the woman.

The Seduction Process

Women are usually far pickier in choosing their sexual partners because they have a lot more to lose. They withhold sex until they feel comfortable and secure with the man.

At the beginning of a relationship, women tend to be less invested and less needy early in the interaction. When a man approaches her and induces her to become more invested than he is, this is the process of seduction. Once she’s more invested in him than he is in her, sex occurs as a side effect of that emotional investment.

There are two ways for the seduction process:

  • Boy gives girl the impression that he’s less invested in her than he is. Giving false impression occurs through flirtation and a man displaying his best qualities about himself or through manipulation and lying
  • Boy demonstrates that he is actually less invested than she is. This is a passive process that he does within himself and that permeates every aspect of his behavior

Both methods work. The first is a short-term solution and the second is a long-term solution. And generally, once the second method is accomplished, the first begins to happen on its own.

Power in Vulnerability

In general, men are raised to withhold their emotions, not show weakness, and ignore any hint of introspection.

Making yourself vulnerable is not only being willing to share your fears or insecurities but also opening yourself to rejection.

“Vulnerability represents a form of power, a deep and subtle form of power. A man who’s able to make himself vulnerable is saying to the world, “I don’t care what you think of me; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.” He’s saying he’s not needy and that he’s high status.”

Men with high-status behavior are comfortable with their vulnerability. A man comfortable with his vulnerability is the opposite of needy.

As such, vulnerability is the path of true human connection and becoming a truly attractive person. Take the rejections and move on.

Investment Paradox: if a man shows desire towards a woman, he’s also showing some degree of neediness or that he’s lower status

The true power of vulnerability is that it short-circuits the investment paradox. If you’re comfortable being vulnerable, you don’t behave in a needy way. And showing desire without neediness is attractive.

How attractive you are is based on your non-needy behavior. Your non-needy behavior is based on how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself. And how vulnerable you’re able to make yourself is based on how honest you are to yourself and others.

The Gift of Truth

Be unconditionally honest. This means compliments and appreciation as well as brutal and scathing honesty. And strangely enough, brutal and angry honesty can turn a woman on just as much as the most genuine compliment.

“What you actually say doesn’t matter; WHY you say it matters. It’s not about what’s being said, it’s about the intention and sub-communication behind it.”

Your ability and willingness to establish boundaries is inversely proportional to how needy you are.

A non-needy man does NOT seek to impose himself on the boundaries of others, he’s merely interested in maintaining his boundaries. They value their own time and happiness more than receiving the attention of a woman.

The first step is to establish your own boundaries. Learn how to say “no” to people, particularly women. Start having opinions on what you like and don’t like, what you will and won’t tolerate. First, be honest with yourself and then be honest with her.

Incompatibility is a fact of life. No matter how you behave or what you’re into, the majority of women won’t be interested. As a result, incompatibility defines the entire strategy of dating women.

The world is what it is, it’s our job to simply present ourselves as boldly and clearly to it as possible, accept the reactions and move on the opportunities.

The 3 Types of Women

For practical purposes, women can be divided into three categories:

  1. Unreceptive: women who are unavailable and/or uninterested in having a sexual/romantic relationship with you
  2. Neutral: women who you’ve just met or spent time with a couple of times. Unlike men, women spend a lot of time on the fence
  3. Receptive: women who are obviously already sexually attracted to you. They initiate contact and/or reciprocate willingly

Dating Strategy: Polarization

Each category has a different goal:

  1. Unreceptive: identify them as quickly as possible and move on
  2. Neutral: polarize them through your behavior, such as flirting, teasing, asking her to dance or on a date. Take an action that forces her to no longer be neutral. If you never make a move, they will ALWAYS polarize to Unreceptive. To make them Receptive, demonstrate that you’re less needy than they are by expressing your vulnerability and your identity to them freely. When you express your truth to women, you will polarize them
  3. Receptive: escalate and move things forward. If they were previously Neutral, you need to make a move and become physical with them soon enough or they will often drift back to Neutral and then to Unreceptive permanently

The percentage of women who are Receptive to you will increase proportionally to the quality of your lifestyle, your social status, and your looks.

The percentage of women that you’re able to move from Neutral to Receptive will be proportional to how well you’re able to communicate and express yourself with women.

And your ability to sort through each type of women and meet as many as possible will be determined by how fearless and bold you are when it comes to meeting women.

Rejection and Success

Everyone who is successful at anything has been rejected and failed more than you can ever know. Seduction is no different. Only after you’ve been rejected many times you’ll realize how insignificant it actually is.

Success is defined by how fast you can sort through the women that won’t work for you, not the ability to get every single one you see. The faster you move along to a woman who is receptive to you, the better off everybody is going to be.

Know that you’ll miss most of your shots and it won’t have anything to do with you. That’s why you need to polarize as soon as possible, to find out the truth as soon as possible, whether that means responsive, neutral, or unresponsive.

“When we define success as finding the woman/women who will maximize our happiness, our approach takes a completely new light. Our success is defined by screening through as many women as possible until we find the ones we enjoy.”

We screen through these women by polarizing them. We polarizing them by sharing our truth with them openly and freely. And when we do this, women will either become incredibly attracted to us or they will reject us. Either way, they’ll respect us.

The Three Fundamentals

There are three ways in which we share our truth and display a lack of neediness with women:

  1. Honest Living: creating an attractive and enriching lifestyle
  2. Honest Action: overcoming your fears and anxiety around women
  3. Honest Communication: mastering the expression of your emotions and communicating fluidly

Improving each one will improve your results, sometimes drastically. Each of the Three Fundamentals can be worked on independently but improving one of the three often indirectly benefits the other two and vice-versa.

The way to improve each of these fundamentals is by drilling deeper into your vulnerability in each one of them.

“Where your strengths and weaknesses lie will determine not just the quantity of your results with women, but also the types of results you achieve.”

The idea is to become socially connected AND fearless at the same time AND have an awesome and attractive lifestyle. The full package. The Three Fundamentals.

Honest Living

What do you value in a woman? Where are you most likely to find them?

Theory of Demographics: like attracts like. You tend to attract women that are similarly-educated, similar-looking, with similar interests, and similar success. If demographics don’t match up, there’s friction.

“If you focus your time and energy on meeting women in situations who are likely to share your values, interests, and needs, then you’re going to not only experience a much higher degree of success, but you’re going to meet women you enjoy a lot more.”

Our beliefs — about women, sex, relationships, and ourselves — naturally screen the women who come into our lives. Our beliefs are reflected in our behavior, and behavior determines which (and how many) women are attracted to us.

Age, money, and looks matter to some degree. They are all indicators of status, which women are attracted to. Women judge men less on physical dimensions and more on style, grooming, and how they present themselves.

“Tell the beautiful girls they’re smart and tell the smart girls that they’re beautiful.”

It’s far more powerful to be something attractive than saying something attractive. If you are something amazing, then no matter what you say will be attractive, because it will be coming from a genuinely attractive man.

Your life is a reflection of your emotional investment in yourself. And the more invested you are in yourself, the less needy you are with others.

How to Be Handsome

Not everybody is born good-looking but anyone can become handsome.

The first step is grooming and general maintenance.

Fashion

  • Wear clothes that fit: ALWAYS know your measurements. With shirts, the shoulder seam should extend to the end of the shoulder, not any further. The bottom of your pants should rest gently on the top of your shoes. Pants should never sag from your waist when you wear them
  • Match: the belt should match the shoes and/or accessories. Match the socks with the pants when using dress pants, and match the socks with the shoes if wearing jeans. Jewelry must all be gold or all silver
  • Choose good colors for your skin tone: white and black look good on everyone. For the remaining colors, find the ones that look good with your skin tone. If you have blue, green or hazel eyes, always favor shirts that match your eye color
  • Accessorize: watches, necklaces, bracelets, rings, and sunglasses
  • Dress to your personality: if dressing like a rock star fits your personality, then do it

Fitness

  1. Weightlifting: to change your body, you need to lift weights. Start with machines but move on to free weights as soon as you can. Focus on compound exercises — exercises that stimulate multiple muscle groups at a time (e.g. squats, bench press, deadlifts). Hire a personal trainer if you can afford it
  2. Nutrition: know many calories you need each day by taking your weight and multiply it by 15. Skip fast food, fried food, dressing or sauces, bad carbs (just about any grain or starch under the sun), and eat less cheese. Drink less (or no) alcohol and skip soda. Eat lots of lean protein such as baked chicken, sirloin steak, and baked turkey. Take supplements: multi-vitamins and fish oil
  3. Cardio: supplement your cardio with weightlifting to maintain your muscle mass while burning your fat. Only do cardio if you’re trying to lose weight or maintain your weight. Cardio is great for is cardiovascular health, blood pressure, energy levels, etc. Elliptical machines provide the best effort-to-calories-burned ratio. Running and intense swimming are the best ways to burn calories in the shortest amount of time. Find a track or run outside. Don’t run more than 3 times a week until you’ve been running for a long time.

The most weight you can gain/lose healthily is two pounds per week. Don’t expect everything to change overnight. And don’t be afraid of the pain period. Learn to love the pain.

Body Language

Body language is something that can also be fixed in a relatively short amount of time and can immediately make you appear more attractive. Use a full-body mirror to analyze your posture.

Face the mirror and turn 90 degrees to the right or left. Look at the “ridge” that extends from your neck to the end of your shoulder. Move your shoulders back until that ridge is straight — going straight from your neck to your shoulder. Remember that position and remind yourself to hold your shoulders there as often as possible.

Look into the mirror with your shoulders back and raise your chin up until it’s at a 90-degree angle with your neck. Your eyes should be looking dead ahead now. Make the back of your neck as straight as possible with your back.

Your feet should be shoulder-width apart. and point straight ahead or slightly outward at the most.

Now, it’s time to walk. Hold the position you’re in — shoulders back, head up, back straight, stomach in, feet straight — and then slowly step in front of you. Move your shoulders as you walk. Finally, slightly swing your arms. If you don’t swing them, you look robotic.

Practice this a few times until you can remember how it feels. Take note of the feeling and then force yourself to go back to this position as much as possible.

Vocal Tonality

Studies have shown that the physical feature most correlative to attraction and sexuality is a deep, smooth voice.

Tonality: to get rid of that “nasally” voice all it takes is some practice. Say a sentence aloud and then again while holding your nose. How different is your tonality? If it’s not very different, you already speak largely from your chest and probably have good tonality. If you suddenly sound very nasally when you hold your nose and say it, you need to work on speaking with a deeper voice.

Cadence: speak slower. Be conscious of your speed and cadence. Don’t be afraid to make people wait for your next words. Practice it. Volume — This is easy.

Volume: you’re never loud enough. Ever. Practice it. BUT… don’t yell. There’s a difference between screaming and being loud. You want to be loud. No screaming.

Eliminate Hesitations: try to eliminate any “uh’s”, “ah’s”, “um’s”, “like’s”, and “you know’s” from your speech. These are “place-filler” sounds designed to keep the listener’s attention on you even while you’re trying to think of what to say next. Get rid of them.

How to Be Fascinating

Attractive men make their opinions known. They’ve had unique experiences and ideas. They’ve tried things most people haven’t tried, done things most people haven’t done, and share their ideas openly and freely.

  • Be Well-Read: if you don’t read often, start. If you do read, read more often and read better books. You can read a book a week without spending more than 30–60 minutes a day reading
  • Artistic Taste: develop a mature artistic sensibility so you can have interesting opinions on “art” (music, movies, television, theatre, art, poetry, and literature). Assume everything has a form of value; it’s your job to find it. Once you find it, THEN decide if you like it or not. Whether you like something or not, you should always be able to appreciate it
  • Try New Things: enjoyment of life comes from varied life experiences, not possessions. The more life experience you indulge in, the more developed of a person you’ll become, the more mature your perspective on life and people will become, the easier you’ll relate to women and the more culture, worldliness, and value you’ll seem to add to their lives
  • Have Opinions: the easiest way to be interesting is to have opinions. The stronger the opinion, the more you’ll polarize and attract since you’re don’t care if you’re liked or disliked

Honest Action

“The only important skill in pick up is learning how to stop buying into your own bullshit, to stop believing your own stories. The resistance is constant.”

All of the responses when in fear do two things: they avoid the fear and they usually do it by convincing ourselves of something that’s not necessarily true.

How to break your own pattern:

  1. What are you most anxious about? Is it approaching? Showing sexual interest? Asking a girl out? Is it the first kiss?
  2. Now write down your pattern with it: “Calling women, the pattern is apathy,” or “Approaching women, the pattern is blame game.”
  3. Now, create a goal for yourself to break that pattern: “Call every phone number I get, no matter how much I don’t care.” Write it down
  4. Tell a friend your plan and ask him to keep you accountable

If you want to improve at anything, you need to take full responsibility and accountability of your results and actions.

“You can’t always control what happens to you, but you can always control how you respond to it.”

Porn kills your motivation to pursue women in real life. To get more motivated, masturbate once a week without porn! You’re only allowed to fantasize about women you’ve met and have not had sex with.

How to Take Action

Attack anxiety through incremental but high volume exposure. Find the easiest and lowest intensity way to approach, and then do it in high volume:

  • Approach 10 women just asking for the time
  • Once you’re comfortable, follow that question with “How is your day going?”
  • Make it hard and more intensive each day. Keep practicing until you can approach any woman in any circumstance and express your interest in her

This method works for any aspect of the interaction in which you need to take action.

“Afraid to kiss girls on a date? Challenge yourself first to hold their hand. Once you’ve done that a few times, then challenge yourself to put your arm around them and leave it there. Once you’ve done that a few times, then challenge yourself to kiss them on the cheek. And finally, challenge yourself to go for the kiss itself.”

Courage is a form of discipline and built like a muscle. The more courage you build, the more you’ll be capable of bold actions. Bold actions require a lot of vulnerability and destroy neediness. The bolder your action, the greater attraction you’re going to create.

Always err on the side of aggression.

Honest Communication

What you talk about has far less to do with your results than your intentions. Women don’t see your features, but how you present yourself. They don’t hear your words, they hear your intentions.

There’s no such thing as a man who is good with women who isn’t sometimes creepy. If you express your sexuality freely, some women, some of the time, are going to find you creepy.

Flirting: expressing your sexuality to a woman in a non-needy manner, eliciting her to become more attracted to you. Women are flirting addicts.

There are two types:

  • Teasing: saying derogatory comments about someone in a funny or pleasant way. You can stack a compliment and be able to display sexual interest without actually complimenting her: “You know, if you weren’t so cute, I’d ditch you for saying that.”
  • Leading: more subtle, but far more powerful. You invite her to take part with you in whatever you choose to say or do: take her by the hand and move her somewhere else, physically touching her, asking her personal questions, or inviting her out on a date or home with you

When a woman flirts with you it’s because she likes you. If she doesn’t, she isn’t attracted to you.

How you flirt is less important than the fact that you do it. You need to express your sexual interest in a positive way that she’ll be receptive to. Failure to act will lead to the friend zone.

Developing an Emotional Connection

How to develop deep and lasting emotional connections with women:

  1. Become aware of your own emotions, motivations, and life story
  2. Take the lead by sharing those emotions, motivations, and life story first. Sharing first creates trust and encourages her to open up and share herself in return
  3. The more this goes on, the more personal the stories become and the deeper the emotions in which you connect with

Don’t just say you like something, say why you like it. Instead of just, “I like Jay Z,” you could say, “I love Jay Z. He always reminds me of my brother. My brother used to drive me to school for years, and he would blast Jay Z every morning. Looking back it meant a lot to me, my brother taking care of me like that. My dad was always too busy. So Jay Z always reminds me of that. Those moments of appreciation that you don’t recognize until years later.”

The most important rule of emotional connection is to relate to feelings, not facts. Seduction is about feelings, not facts.

Communication skills are a series of overlapping habits. If you have trouble connecting with people you probably developed communication habits that are unattractive and not serving you well. Identify the good/bad habits you want to build or break and focus on them consciously until they’re second nature.

How to Be Charming

Communication is always up for interpretation so there’s always the risk of being misunderstood or people assuming things about you.

First impressions are crucial. Her first impression is largely going to be based on how you present yourself, your level of neediness, and your ability to communicate clearly.

How to make a good first impression:

  • Do NOT startle or scare her when approaching
  • When in doubt on how to approach a woman, simply walk up and introduce yourself and explain to her that you wanted to meet her. During the day, I often prep the introduction by saying something like, “Excuse me, this is kind of random…” I usually tell them that I think they’re cute
  • Don’t linger. It will make the approach feel awkward and forced
  • Always smile. Lean back. Stand up tall. Speak loudly yet clearly. Make strong eye contact. Introduce yourself and stick out your hand. Give a firm handshake. This is called being a confident human being

If you are getting many rejections right on the initial approach, then it’s one of the following three things:

  1. You’re presenting yourself poorly — i.e., you dress poorly, bad looks, bad style, bad body language
  2. Your intentions are off. You’re approaching for the wrong reasons. The wrong reasons include anything that is not, “She’s cute, I want to meet her”
  3. You’re startling her. You’re trying too hard or doing something technically wrong (not looking her in the eye, not smiling, etc.)

Conversation Skills

Use Effective Language: say what you mean with the fewest words possible while maintaining your meaning and intent

Questions vs Statements: statements are more powerful than questions. Use cold-reading: instead of asking her about herself, tell her about herself. Guess the answer to your question and then state it. Examples:

  • “Where are you from?” translates to: “You look like a California girl.”
  • “What do you do for work?” translates to: “You seem to be a creative person. I bet your job is interesting.”

With every cold-read, one of three things will happen:

  1. You’re wrong, and she corrects you. She’ll answer the question you based your cold-read on and forget you were wrong
  2. You’re wrong, and she asks you what made you think that. She’ll be so intrigued by your guess that she’ll create a deeper conversation thread about what you observed about her
  3. You’re right, and she freaks out at how perceptive you are. This will generate a tidal wave of rapport immediately and impress her at the same time

If you speak in statements correctly, she will start asking YOU questions. So now have the power to control the interaction — you control the information and the conversation.

Conversations only end when one person says something to which the other person has no jump- off points. Teach yourself to recognize jump off points and take advantage of them as soon as possible, you’ll be able to sustain a conversation with almost anybody indefinitely.

Storytelling

The best communicators you know are fantastic story-tellers. Human beings, by default, are enrapt by stories, or more specifically, a story-arc.

There are three main points of a story arc:

  • Set-Up: you’re setting the scene or the context for what you’re about to say
  • Content/Conflict: after setting up what you’re going to talk about, you get into the actual content. The content of your story needs to be intriguing and hook people into wanting to know what will happen next
  • Resolution: the release of the tension from the conflict or content. Resolutions can come in forms of punchlines (for jokes), conclusions (for ideas), or just closure for a generic story

In real life, people speak in more than sentences, they speak to each other in stories. Develop the ability to formulate entire STORIES around jump-off points, as well as notice jump-off points within entire stories.

Relating and Connecting

When you are talking to a woman, there are only two real subjects of conversation: her and you. Everything you speak about should be, in some way, revealing your identity to her or her identity to you.

This uncovering of identity is what creates the sense of a “connection”. The greater the connection you create, the more she’ll want to spend more time with you and vice-versa.

Making a connection requires three steps:

  1. Being open about yourself
  2. Getting her to be open about herself
  3. Relating to her experience

Be willing to share any part of yourself with anyone at any time and on any level. You have nothing to lose by sharing yourself.

Ideally, sharing these aspects of yourself will encourage her to share them in herself. You want to get her to talk about her passions, her ambitions, her best experiences, and her most vulnerable experiences.

Humor

Humor is an integral part of being an attractive man. Your specific type of sense of humor isn’t so important as much as that you have it.

“Humor is the art of drawing connections between two seemingly unrelated ideas or objects.”

The different types of humor:

  • Misdirection: when you lead the listener to believe you’re making one point and then say something completely different
  • Exaggeration: when you take a quality about something and blow it completely out of proportion
  • Teasing and Sarcasm: when you make humorous comments that are derogatory about someone. The ideal tease will create a mixture of emotions in a girl: defensiveness yet happiness. A minority of women don’t find teasing funny
  • Sarcasm: when you make an extreme statement that’s completely opposite of what you actually mean, with complete seriousness and without smiling. Sarcasm works on even fewer women, but the women who appreciate it REALLY appreciate it
  • Wordplay and Puns: wordplay practices misdirection by using words that have various meanings
  • Roleplaying and Games: anything from basic physical games (hand slaps, thumb wars, etc.) to word games (five questions game, fuck/marry/ kill, etc.). Roleplaying can be just as energizing and fun and involves giving the woman you’re talking to a fake role and then playing around with that role

Humor is only useful if used in conjunction with leading her in a dominant manner and pushing things physically with her.

The Dating Process

The dating process almost always involves the following: trading of contact details along with following up, dates, either bringing her home or going home with her, having sex, and then figuring out what kind of relationship (if any) will result.

Only ask a woman for her phone number if she seems genuinely attracted and interested in you and you see yourself wanting to hang out with her again. Don’t come up with a fancy line or make up a reason to ask her number. Just ask her for it.

Flakes happen to everybody. Follow the “Three strikes you’re out” policy: if a woman flakes once, try a second time and if she doesn’t respond the second time, you may or may not give it a third shot.

Don’t get fancy or cute in your texts. Texting is, in general, an awful medium for communication. Often if you try to get too sarcastic or witty in your texts, they can be easily misinterpreted or come off with a completely different intention than you originally had.

Timing and Location

When?

  • Don’t do lunch dates. Nothing says “let’s just be friends” more than having lunch together
  • Save dates for the night time. It builds a greater sense of expectation and it leaves the option open for you or her sleeping over
  • The best days are, in order: Thursday, Wednesday, Sunday, Tuesday, Monday, Friday, Saturday
  • Allow yourself time for at least three one hour activities

Where?

  • Absolutely NO movie dates. You don’t get to talk, you sit awkwardly next to each other, and it’s impossible to touch her without being awkward
  • Avoid dinner dates. They’re cliche, impersonal, and almost impossible to touch sexually. You also avoid the awkward “who pays?” situation
  • Good date locations are locations that are active, participatory, and allow for touching and flirting. Alcohol is usually helpful as well. Examples: comedy clubs, dance classes, museum exhibits, walks in interesting places (plazas, parks, etc.), concerts, etc.
  • Find venues and activities that are within walking distance to either your place or her place. You need at least 4–6 venues or activities near you to account both for the various personalities of the women you’re going out with, and also because you will want to construct dates that go to more than one venue

The Perfect Date

Our level of intimacy with one another doesn’t come from how much we talk about but from the experiences we share. The perfect date is designed to create as many mutual experiences as possible in the least amount of time as possible.

The ideal amount of places/activities per date is three. Here are some examples of solid dates:

  • Meet for coffee -> get ice cream down the street -> check out the big swing in the park by the house
  • Salsa class -> Drinks next door afterward -> Your apartment next door
  • Interactive Improv comedy show -> Walk through the local park -> Dancing at a lounge near her place

Include dancing if at all possible, as it’s the most sexual date activity possible.

If you two decide to drink, try to drink as the second or last venues/activities. Basically, you want the sexual tension to peak right as it’s time to go home.

You need to constantly be leading on a date. Every decision should be yours and she should be expected to follow it.

As far as what to talk about, your conversations should be getting deeper and more personal. There should be less teasing and playful banter and more conversations about your lives and what’s important to you. Elicit these topics by sharing them yourself.

You should be kissing her by the second half of the first date and even take her home and have sex on many of your first dates.

Signals Women Give

A list of things to keep a lookout for. Ideally, the better you get at conversing and meeting women, the more signals you’ll receive.

Pre-Approach Signals

  • Non-Accidental Eye Contact: when in doubt, assume it’s not accidental. If she’s looking at you even 10% more than the average stranger, then she’s at least somewhat curious/interested in you
  • Smiling: If eye contact means she’s interested, this means “you better come talk to me!”
  • She Approaches You: if a woman approaches you, chances are she has some interest in talking to you
  • Proximity: when a woman places herself near you when she doesn’t have to

Conversation Signals

  • Excessive Smiling/Laughing: this is subjective and will require some judgment, but sometimes you will notice one girl smiling and laughing a lot more than others when you speak. Chances are she likes you
  • Flipping or Playing with Her Hair: a classic signal of flirtation
  • Eyes Dilate: studies have shown our eyes dilate when we look at someone we’re attracted to
  • Standing Closer to You Than Normal: self-explanatory. Pay attention to where she positions herself
  • Excessive Eye Contact: same as excessive smiling. If she’s locked onto your gaze during a conversation, that means she’s very interested in what you have to say
  • Prioritizes You: another very subjective one. This can be very subtle. But it’s when her actions subtly show you that she prioritizes you over interacting with others

Escalation Signals

  • Isolates Herself with You: oftentimes the most overt advances a woman will make won’t be in actually making a move (that’s your job), but they’ll actively work to put you in the easiest situation possible
  • Ditches Her Friends For You: Goes along with the above… it takes a lot for a woman to leave her friends behind for a guy, especially one she’s only known for a few hours or one night. If she does this, take it as a green light
  • Touches You: Whether it’s un-provoked or her reciprocating you touching her, this is a clear signal that she likes you and wants you to continue escalating with her physically

Physicality and Sex

Getting physical with women, and getting physical quickly and comfortable, is ultimately what will determine how much success you have with women in the long run more than anything else.

The biggest trigger for arousal for women is being desired. And nothing says she’s desired like a guy trying to kiss her. Being physical on women is a necessary habit that most guys who are poor with women never do. Women want men to be sexually aggressive and dominant.

There are two reasons for being physically aggressive:

  • You want to make her comfortable with being touched by you as soon as possible
  • The other reason is psychological. People who touch when they interact with another person are generally viewed as more dominant

Touching

How do you touch a girl right off the bat?

When you go up to start a conversation with her, just lightly touch her on the arm, near the elbow. Once you’re engaged in a conversation with her, you want to use your touching to punctuate the conversation.

The best way to touch is to integrate physicality into your conversation using games such as thumb wars, twirling her like a ballerina, or giving high fives.

Your touching should happen in a progression. In general, you want to start on the outside of her body — her arms and legs — and slowly move closer into her body: put your hand on her back as you move her to sit down with you, put your arm around her lower back as she leans against the bar next to you, etc.

Later on, this progression will continue into intimacy: tickling, massages, and cuddling (or spooning). And from there it will continue on into kissing, petting, and having sex.

Push and pull: a physical flirting technique that is instrumental in creating intimacy. It’s basically touching combined with teasing. Remember, in flirting, you go through the pattern of showing disinterest (breaking rapport) and then letting her regain your interest (qualifying). Push and pull is merely translating that into a physical form

The purpose of push and pull isn’t an ends to itself, it’s a means to give you opportunities to kiss her.

Kissing

“If you think you can kiss her, you probably could have ten minutes ago.”

A lot of kissing revolves around how you use your hands and teeth as well.

Your hands should be roaming her body gently, caressing her back, gently holding her neck, pulling her hips into yours. Grab her belt loops on her pants and pull her hips into yours. As for teeth, gentle love-nips on her bottom lip or her tongue turn a lot of girls on. Be sure to be sensitive with your teeth though, and don’t overuse them.

Finally, the first few times you kiss a girl, try to always be the first one to pull away. It shows a non-neediness and control that girls find attractive.

Kissing is simply the gateway to greater and deeper intimacy. It’s an important step, but part of the process, not the destination.

Escalating

Once a girl kisses you, she’s usually going to be comfortable and/or horny enough to go home with you or have you go home with her.

“If she seems less excited after kissing you than she did before kissing you, then you need to kiss and touch her better. If she seems nervous and uncomfortable when you try to get her to leave with you, then she needs to trust you more.”

How to escalate:

  • Start with her breasts. Don’t grab them straight out at first, but let a hand roam onto them and massage it lightly, then move your hand off
  • Hair-pulling turns on most women. Take some in your hand and clench your fist so that there’s a nice squeeze on her hair
  • Grab her ass, not too aggressively but give it a nice squeeze. If she responds well — her kissing gets more aggressive, she moans, basically any response other than moving your hands away from her — then keep going
  • When you’re on a couch or bed, push her onto her back and position yourself between her legs. If you’re standing up, push her against a wall and do the same
  • Next, you’ll want clothes to start coming off. The general principle at work here is that you want to gently push things towards sex until she says stop. If she doesn’t say stop, keep going
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Hi, I'm Dan.

I share ideas on productivity every Monday in my newsletter.

 

Strategies, tips, and hacks to work smarter in a short email.

19k productivity geeks read it. I’d love you to join.

Love your stuff

The only newsletter I subscribe to that I actually look forward to

I read your newsletter every week